I start this post with somewhat of a heavy heart. The last week has been pretty tough for me. I haven’t slept well and my heart has been weighed down so much that all I’ve wanted to do is curl up in a ball and sleep all day. I’ve been walking around with a half smile and a mind that was battling something inside of me 24/7. My cute toddlers smiles weren’t enough to deter me from my self loathing. I wasnt sure what was wrong with me.
In fairness, I’ve had a pretty crazy month. We’ve had several family stressors as well as many changes. I am no longer working at my job of three years, the teenager is now home everyday as school is out, I recently spoke and shared my story for the first time to a crowd of over 100 people, my husband’s business is slow, and on and on it goes.
So perhaps, it was these things plaguing me. It would’ve been easy to put it on those things for sure. But something inside of me told me it was more than that. I’ve been praying and soul searching to no avail. Until today. Until this post.
I realized that what was eating away at my soul was unforgiveness. Its ugly roots were trying to take hold in every area of my life. I couldn’t even escape it at night-in my sleep. It was haunting me every minute of the 24 hour day cycle. In reality, I know that this is only going to destroy me. And if I didn’t know it before, I surely do now by how it has affected me the last few weeks.
But, how easy is it to forgive? I’ve prayed to forgive. I’ve tried to meditate on the positive. Yet, despite my efforts, somewhere in my soul these roots had taken hold. And I am faced with a dilemma. How can I be a whole person when part of me is imprisoned by this beast?
I can attend 1) Vinyasa Yoga once a day, 2) eat only clean, organic foods all day everyday and 3) pray and read the bible until my hearts content. But, the reality is, these roots will still be growing. As hard as it is, I have to be willing to let go of the pain. I have to transpose it somewhere else. I’m not sure how to do that. In fact, my green thumb is pretty black. But I guess now that I’ve realized it, its time to do some weed eating. I have to plug it in and start whacking away until I know that it is no longer growing.
I want the garden of my soul to be full of life…the life God intended it to be. And somehow I imagine that soul as full of beautiful colors and thriving plants-no ugly weeds allowed.
So now that I’ve poured out my heart. I invite you to share with me. What unforgiveness is taking root in your life? How easy is forgiveness for you? And what tips do you have for me?
I will be back tonight with a post of my weekend events. Luckily, I am blessed with great friends and have enjoyed their company and some good eats that I just have to share.